PHP Versus the Fail-Fast Philosophy

Internet rants about PHP are hardly uncommon but rarely are they as comprehensive as Eevee’s recent effort in which the world’s favourite bad programming language is dissected with a Yegge-esque disregard for brevity.

I view PHP as bash scripting for the web. Useful for getting small tasks accomplished quickly due to its ubiquity but dangerous and just about unmaintainable when taken to extremes.

Unfortunately over the last couple of years I’ve written and read far more PHP than is healthy (exposure to PHP, like radiation, should probably be monitored and subject to annual safe limits). If I had to pick just one complaint from the seemingly bottomless well of PHP’s shortcomings it would be encapsulated by this quote from Eevee’s article:

When faced with either doing something nonsensical or aborting with an error, [PHP] will do something nonsensical.

This fail-slow mentality permeates the language and its type system (or lack thereof). The runtime attempts to avoid disappointing the programmer with error messages and instead carries on regardless until things either grind to a halt, or worse, fail spectacularly in splendid silence. PHP is about as helpful as a SatNav that tells you you’ve made a wrong turn but not until 200 miles later.